SPEAKER_02: This is the US Army recruiting station,

SPEAKER_02: I'm not going to help you.

LPC: Yeah.

LPC: lookin' to enroll here.

SPEAKER_02: Lookin' to enlist?

LPC: Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: Hey, uh, sir, I-I think you called the other day.

SPEAKER_02: What I do is I set up an interview.

SPEAKER_02: ok? You come in, we determine your qualifications,

SPEAKER_02: I talk about the features and benefits of the program.

SPEAKER_02: If we have a match there, we got somethin' ya like and I find out you're qualified,

SPEAKER_02: Then we talk next step.

SPEAKER_02: Honestly, I don't have enough.

SPEAKER_02: time on the phone cuz, I'm-I'm in the middle of enlisting somebody right now.

LPC: Let me let you in on what I do which is perform in battle, so.

LPC: Okay.

LPC: I'm shaved.

LPC: I'm ready...for battle, so.

SPEAKER_02: Gotcha.

SPEAKER_02: We still have to determine your qualifications, sir.

SPEAKER_02: Alright,

SPEAKER_02: listen I-I...I'd love to entertain you, sir, but I really hafta get goin', alright?

LPC: It's really a bad time for me.

LPC: uh, lemme give you my, uh, email address...

LPC: Okay.

LPC: Then we'll see what you can do, okay?

LPC: And I'll give you.

LPC: I'll g-I'll g-I'll give ya a little time to get prepared and...go ahead and grab a pen or something else.

SPEAKER_02: Hopefully I'm worthy, sir.

SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.

LPC: What's your email address?

SPEAKER_01: Uh, it's, uh, it's steven

SPEAKER_01: dot lee dot army dot mil.

LPC: I'm gonna send a picture of me WHOOPIN' some ass.

LPC: All right.

LPC: So when you open it, best to turn the light up, light the room up bright, and take a real good look at it.

SPEAKER_02: Roger, sir.

SPEAKER_02: Alright.

LPC: Because I am going to grab hold of you.

LPC: pretty quick.

SPEAKER_02: Okay.

SPEAKER_02: That sounds good.

SPEAKER_02: I like a challenge.

SPEAKER_02: I love to fight.

SPEAKER_02: Matter of fact, they pay me to fight.

SPEAKER_02: Uh, what's your name?

LPC: My name's Enrique.

SPEAKER_02: Enrique.

SPEAKER_02: Ok, gotcha.

LPC: I'm going to get hold of you, and I'm going to shake you loose, fella.

SPEAKER_02: Sounds good.

LPC: See if you can rise to my level.

SPEAKER_02: Alright,

SPEAKER_02: Well, hopefully I'll be worthy, like I said.

SPEAKER_02: I got your number, Enrique.

SPEAKER_02: I'll give ya a call,

SPEAKER_02: alright?

SPEAKER_02: Got to go.

LPC: I'm gonna get back to youuuu about five minutes from now.

SPEAKER_02: This is the US

SPEAKER_02: Army Recruiting Station.

LPC: That's going to help you.

LPC: I wanna get physical.

LPC: I'm sorry, what's your name?

LPC: Enrique.

LPC: Enrique, huh?

LPC: you-what do you mean you wanna get physical?

LPC: On the battlefield.

LPC: On what battlefield?

LPC: Uh, the Saharan battlefield.

LPC: The Saharan battlefield?

LPC: There is no Saharan battlefield, man.

LPC: I want to enlist.

LPC: You want to enlist?

LPC: What do you wanna enlist to?

LPC: My fist.

LPC: Your fist?

LPC: You wanna enlist to your fist?

LPC: That doesn't.

LPC: make so much sense, Henry Day.

LPC: Put me down on your list so I can get in there...get

LPC: engaged in the battlefield, dude.

LPC: Get engaged in what battlefield?

LPC: I got discipline, bud.

LPC: Well, I don't think you necessarily have discipline because I'm asking you simple questions,

LPC: Enrique, and you're not giving me straight answers.

LPC: What is it that you wanna do?

LPC: Are you a corporal, or?

LPC: Don't worry about who I am cuz I'm thinkin' you're just calling to, uh, mess around there,

LPC: Enrique.

LPC: You can-you can bring your form up here and I'll fill it out, dude.

LPC: I don't think I wanna do that, Enrique, cuz I don't think you're actually being serious

LPC: because you're not answering simple questions.

LPC: I'm ready to get physical with you right now outside.

LPC: Don't have any desire or need to.

LPC: so...what are we really talkin' about there, Enrique?

LPC: It would be a lose-win, you-me.

LPC: I wi-

LPC: I win.

LPC: You'd win.

LPC: And a paragraph.

LPC: You can go ahead and win all you want, Enrique.

LPC: But what is it that you want to do today?

LPC: are-why are we talkin' on the phone?

LPC: I need to be placed on the battlefield.

LPC: I don't think we can do that, Enrique.

LPC: End of story.

LPC: Have you ever been arrested?

LPC: Not in this country.

LPC: Have you, not in this country?

LPC: What country have you been arrested in?

LPC: Is that really relevant, Corporal?

LPC: It is very relevant.

LPC: are-what country have you been arrested in, Enrique?

LPC: It's in the Netherlands.

LPC: In the Netherlands?

LPC: What were you arrested for, Enrique?

LPC: There was a l...lot of nude people there.

LPC: Mm, so why were you particularly arrested for nudity, Enrique?

LPC: So you were being

LPC: indecent in public? Indecent nudity?

LPC: Because I'm bored.

LPC: You're gonna be...indecent for, uh, presentation when I'm through with ya.

LPC: Is that right?

LPC: Okay.

LPC: I guess I'll be indecent, but...

LPC: Grab hold.

LPC: Grab holda your neck.

LPC: Have you graduated high school?

LPC: I got an equivalency.

LPC: A GED?

LPC: GEDs are not qualified at this time, Enrique.

LPC: Have you ever had any surgery?

LPC: Not true.

LPC: Have you ever had any surgery?

LPC: Oral surgery.

LPC: Well, what type?

LPC: Oral.

LPC: What type?

LPC: Mouth surgery.

LPC: What type of mouth surgery?

LPC: Lip surgery.

LPC: Lip? What did you have done to your lip, Enrique?

LPC: Reconstructive.

LPC: For what, Enrique?

LPC: Fist.

LPC: You got punched.

LPC: you-how did you get your busted lip, Enrique?

LPC: Lips.

LPC: Two lips. I got two fists for two lips.

LPC: You self-inflicted a wound?

LPC: I'm gonna punch your lip.

LPC: You're telling you.

LPC: Did you self-inflict a wound?

LPC: How did you hurt your lip, Enrique?

LPC: In the jungles of Namamutu.

LPC: Have you ever been seen by a mental health professional, Enrique?

LPC: Not in this nation.

LPC: What have you been seen for mental health for, Enrique?

LPC: What do you?

LPC: you're getting at?

LPC: What have you been seen for mental health, Enrique?

LPC: I was nude the one time, dude.

LPC: Ahem. And did they prescribe you any medication?

LPC: Yes.

LPC: And when's the last time you stopped taking that medication, Enrique?

LPC: Oh, I'm on it.

LPC: Well, if you're currently on medication, Enrique, that's also a disqualifier.

LPC: You guys are so goddamn fuckin' unprofessional!

LPC: I can't believe it.

LPC: So go fuck yourself.

LPC: Alright,

LPC: Unfortunately, you are disqualified as if you join the military.

LPC: I never ordered that.

None: I don't know.