Longmont Potion Castle 7 · 2009

Alex Trebek

Track 7

✓ Reviewed

Track details

A

Aliases

• Wallace Thrasher
• Stretchie
• Artie Yamamoto

E

Establishments

• UPS
• Bangkok Sod Center
• United Parcel Service
• UPS.com

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• Alex Trebek: Hello? :
  
• LPC: Yeah, hello. This is Thrasher here at, uh, United Parcel Service. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Yeah. :
  
• LPC: And, ah... need a signature and a COD here today on, uh... on some freight here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: What is it? :
  
• LPC: We got, uh, some sod here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Sod? :
  
• LPC: Yes. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Are you sure you have the right address? :
  
• LPC: Quite confident. Our driver is already en route to you. :
  
• LPC: I just, ah... just as soon get the, uh... payment prepared now. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, who ordered it? :
  
• LPC: It's $1949 even. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, who ordered it? :
  
• LPC: Uh, you're the recipient. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, we're the recipient, but we didn't order it. :
  
• LPC: Incorrect. :
  
• LPC: You placed the initial order and now we're fulfilling it. :
  
• LPC: Do you understand? :
  
• Alex Trebek: When did we place the order? :
  
• Alex Trebek: I'm the owner of the house here and I didn't place the order. :
  
• Alex Trebek: So you tell me who placed the order. :
  
• Alex Trebek: If it's our gardener - and he didn't :
  
• Alex Trebek: tell us about it - I don't know and I don't know where we need sod. :
  
• Alex Trebek: So you tell me where this is coming from. :
  
• LPC: I am looking at your digital signature. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Digital signature. :
  
• LPC: Here on my tablet, yes, sir. :
  
• LPC: Need an online payment or some method of payment here, four-forty-nine... :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, where did you get my digital signature? :
  
• LPC: From you. :
  
• Alex Trebek: When? :
  
• LPC: At the time of purchase. :
  
• Alex Trebek: And where was the purchase made? :
  
• LPC: Siam. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Siam. :
  
• LPC: Correct. I... :
  
• Alex Trebek: The country, Siam? :
  
• LPC: That's all the data I have, sir. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Uh... :
  
• LPC: Apparently this is the third attempt here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: And this is sod? :
  
• LPC: Yes, sir. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Grass. :
  
• LPC: Something to do with the lawn. :
  
• LPC: Yeah, it's a big, big bundle of stuff here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, I don't... :
  
• Alex Trebek: You don't have my digital signature because I didn't give you my digital signature. :
  
• Alex Trebek: I didn't order anything from Siam, and Siam is no longer in existence. :
  
• Alex Trebek: It's Thailand now, so I don't know what Siam is. :
  
• LPC: Well, the whole thing is viewable online. :
  
• Alex Trebek: The whole thing is viewable online. :
  
• LPC: Your signature, the... the item itself... it's a real colorful bunch of stuff here. :
  
• LPC: And, uh, the payment details. So, if I can go ahead and take a credit card number here and we'll just get everything, uh... :
  
• Alex Trebek: No, you're not going to take a credit card number at all. :
  
• Alex Trebek: because, uh... tell me where I can view this online. :
  
• LPC: UPS.com. :
  
• Alex Trebek: UPS :
  
• Alex Trebek: dot com and then we, uh, go to what? :
  
• LPC: You need to just enter your credit card number as soon as possible. :
  
• Alex Trebek: I ain't going to do that because we didn't order anything. :
  
• LPC: You're not going to do it on 4,200 pounds of stuff here? :
  
• Alex Trebek: 4,200 pounds of stuff. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind? :
  
• LPC: That is roughly the weight of this stuff here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, we didn't order it. :
  
• LPC: We got four trucks en route to you. :
  
• Alex Trebek: [Sigh] Well... too bad 'cause... they ain't delivering it here. :
  
• LPC: Oh, no? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Nope. :
  
• Alex Trebek: You're not UPS, so... :
  
• LPC: Most certainly, yeah, I'm 12 years on the job. I've been here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, yeah? What's your name? :
  
• LPC: I'm on the dock right here. I'm Wallace. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Wallace, what? :
  
• LPC: Thrasher :
  
• Alex Trebek: Wallace Thrasher... :
  
• Alex Trebek: Okay, what's the number out there? Who's the supervisor? :
  
• LPC: I'm the only one on the dock, sir. :
  
• Alex Trebek: You're the only one? :
  
• LPC: The only one on the dock here tonight, yes, sir? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, yeah? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Why are we delivering this at night? :
  
• LPC: Like I say, this is third or fourth try here to get this to you. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Really? :
  
• LPC: Yeah. :
  
• Alex Trebek: we've heard of it. :
  
• Alex Trebek: So... :
  
• LPC: Is that a fact? :
  
• Alex Trebek: We have a normal... a usual driver who comes here and, uh... he never mentioned anything about it. :
  
• Alex Trebek: We don't have... :
  
• Alex Trebek: where's Mom? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Yep, Mom. (sp?) :
  
• Alex Trebek: I'm gonna get my wife here and find out if you've, uh... :
  
• LPC: Well, why don't you come down to the dock? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Huh? :
  
• LPC: Just cut a check or however you do it. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Where is the dock? :
  
• LPC: I'm in Calabasas right now. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Calabasas? So, you want me to come out to Calabasas to view something that I didn't order :
  
• Alex Trebek: and that I probably don't :
  
• Alex Trebek: want? :
  
• LPC: Twelve years of working here. :
  
• LPC: I've seen lots and lots of digital signatures come and go. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Really? :
  
• LPC: Lots of them. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Yeah, well, I don't buy things with digital signatures. :
  
• Alex Trebek: So... :
  
• Alex Trebek: Do we have... :
  
• Alex Trebek: There's 4,200 pounds of sod or something on... :
  
• Alex Trebek: Or that's about to be delivered with four trucks from UPS. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Did we order that? No. :
  
• Alex Trebek: No. :
  
• LPC: Sir, I have been told by my, uh, colleague here... we can accept cash and coins :
  
• LPC: to get this thing resolved here for you. :
  
• Alex Trebek: I think this is just a... :
  
• Alex Trebek: crock of shit, so you're not UPS. :
  
• LPC: Absolutely am here. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Yeah, well I'll ask my driver tomorrow to track down a Wallace Thrasher. :
  
• LPC: You can call me Stretchy. :
  
• Alex Trebek: You're just not gonna give up, are you... Stretchy. :
  
• LPC: I just deal with fulfillment, product fulfillment here at United Parcel Service, so... :
  
• LPC: We've got a total of three flags on your account here, so... :
  
• LPC: I just would like to get a routing number and we'll satisfy the debt. :
  
• Alex Trebek: You don't have a routing now. How can I have a :
  
• Alex Trebek: routing number? What the hell is a routing number? :
  
• LPC: From your checking account or debit card or... :
  
• Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind? :
  
• Alex Trebek: I'm going to pay $2,000 for something that I do not have, :
  
• Alex Trebek: did not order, and know nothing about. :
  
• LPC: The sender's name is Artie Yamamoto. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Send me something in the mail, stretch. :
  
• LPC: I'll send you a subpoena, is what I'll send you. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, that's good. I'll respond to a subpoena. :
  
• LPC: You'll be commanded to testify before Artie Yamamoto. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, good. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, good. Boy, that scares me. Artie Yamamoto? Who is he? :
  
• LPC: He's at the Bangkok Sod Center. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Bangkok Sod Center. And that's in Bangkok, Thailand? :
  
• LPC: Yes, sir. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, good. Yup, I'm likely to order sod from... [laughs] Thailand. You're outta your mind, Stretchy. :
  
• LPC: Well, let's hop on a plane and we'll go, uh, meet with him in person, have a three-way conference. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind? :
  
• LPC: No. [laughs] I resent the implication, :
  
• LPC: frankly. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, good. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Um, resent it all you want. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Send me a letter. Send me a subpoena. :
  
• Alex Trebek: I'll be happy to receive it. :
  
• LPC: We'll do a conference call. :
  
• Alex Trebek: No, I don't need a conference call, Stretchy. :
  
• LPC: You can call me Stretchy. :
  
• LPC: I mean... :
  
• Alex Trebek: I just did. :
  
• LPC: I've got signed affidavits and... :
  
• Alex Trebek: Affidavits? :
  
• LPC: All kinds of other things. Yes, sir. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Well, good. Well, you have my signature? :
  
• LPC: I'm looking right at it. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Yeah. :
  
• Alex Trebek: And what does it say? :
  
• LPC: It's not legible. :
  
• Alex Trebek: It's not legible? :
  
• LPC: So that would be step one is to work on :
  
• LPC: that, but... :
  
• Alex Trebek: I have no need for two thousand dollars' worth of sod and I didn't order it and I know nothing about it. :
  
• LPC: So you thought you'd just stick good old UPS with the charges, huh? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Nope. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind? :
  
• Alex Trebek: Nobody orders sod from Asia. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Send me something in the mail and, uh... we'll get to the bottom of this, but we're not paying for something :
  
• Alex Trebek: we didn't order. :
  
• LPC: Oh, you and I will get to the bottom of it all right if I need to come down and drive the truck myself. :
  
• Alex Trebek: Oh, well, go ahead. :
  
• LPC: Be prepared to... :
  
• Alex Trebek: be met by police. :
  
• LPC: Be prepared... :